Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviews that bring home the bacon and have terrible cholesterol, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we cover a show that’s so goddamn gold that Indiana Jones will be questing for it 20 years from now, WWE Night of Champions 2012. Now then, we all know that the summer months have been more than a bit dreary and dull, but as we roll into fall, things are going to start to get interesting and it starts at the top. After all, a newly heel turned, (and Paul Heyman managed,) CM Punk is running roughshod across the main event these days, and now his arch rival John Cena has stepped up to the plate for one more epic match. If Punk beats Cena, he finally gets the respect he deserves, and if Cena beats Punk he finally redeems the least successful year of his career since he started rapping. But there’s more on the line here than just those two jokers. We’ve got Irishmen fighting Mexicans, we’ve got spirited attempts to pretend that the lesser divisions matter, and, perhaps most importantly, we have a performance that absolutely stole the show. Who gave it? Well, as always, there’s only one way to find out.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: Ladies and gentlemen, your theme for tonight is respect. CM Punk wants it, John Cena represents it, Sheamus refuses to give it, and Alberto Del Rio doesn’t deserve it. And mixed in with those major storylines are lesser stories built around the respect and notoriety earned by becoming, or staying, champion. Considering that this is a show built around continuous title matches, it’s a strong way to take things, and focusing the video specifically on Punk and his demands for respects really drives the theme home. And when they show the clip of John Cena saying, “There is no CM Punk”, meaning that he has no identity or meaning, then things really start to break down crazy style.
It’s an effective video for an effective feud, and you have to imagine that the video guys feel like they’re on vacation when they make videos of CM Punk feuds. “Yeah, let’s just take his promos in their entirety and use some distortion filters on the footage. DONE. Let’s go get a Choco Taco.”
Good afternoon Mr Collins.
MichaelC: Who said that?
There is a back catalog of Cewsh Reviews awaiting history and witty comments.
MichaelC: Dear God, it’s like some kind of disembodied voice!
As always, should you or anyone you employ be censored or sued, Lord Cewshington will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
MichaelC: Well, that’s a cheery thought…
Your mission Michael, should you choose to accept it, is to comment on these shows. This tweet will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck…
MichaelC: Okay, on with review. All of these men have held the IC title, except Sin Cara, who is titleless in the WWE so far. Cody was Champion from August 2011 until WrestleMania 28 when he lost convincingly to The Big Show. Because God knows, The Big Show really needed that cup of tea with the title. Rey held the belt during a back and forth feud that produced some good matches with Chris Jericho in 2009, but is probably best remembered for refusing to drop the belt to some up and comer named Dolph Ziggler and for needing to drop it ASAP when he got Wellness’d. The Miz won the belt on the one thousandth episode of RAW, and had had several previous runs with the United States Championship. And Sin Cara, well, he’s learning.
I like Sin Cara. He got thrown in at the deep end and hasn’t drowned yet. I can respect that. It was nice of them to throw him a Rey Mysterio shaped life jacket too, while we are on that crass analogy.
Sin Cara and Rey have good chemistry together. The upcoming Mania match between the two, should Rey’s knees stick together long enough, should be as good as it will be a money match. (And it will. I mean, seriously, Mistico v Rey Mysterio?
You can hear the drooling in Guadalajara from here, and the WWE are pretty much the only company ever that can hold that match.)
Cody and Miz are no slouches either, so this is a fun match of the “flippy floppy reverses a plenty” type. The perfect style of match to get the crowd into the show. Some of it (like Cody’s disaster kick on Sin Cara) came off rather contrived, as did the infamous Tower of Doom spot, but other bits flowed nicer than they would have in less capable hands. And that Sin Cara is a hell of a good seller. I’m convinced he’s injured on every move nearly!
The finish comes fast and furious among many false ends, the crowd getting louder for each near pinfall. And finally The Miz, who has been third best all match, sneaks out the back door with the title, having let everyone else do the damage and achieved a great moment of right time, right place. This match continued Miz and Sin Cara’s redemption, kept Cody Rhodes in the hunt, showcased the aging Rey Mysterio, and helped to cement Miz as the taker of all opportunities handed to him. It achieved a lot with little, and I think it’ll be looked at better as time goes by.
Fey: I want Miz’s leather coat. It’s really kind of awesome. Too awesome for him. Although, it looks like he’s trying to take Jericho’s place as the Lord of Bedazzles.
This was a great opening for the show. It was really engaging and entertaining and did a good job at bringing viewers in. The Miz looked surprisingly good. He’s really doing well in his position as the Intercontinental Champ, it’s a good place for him at his level now. Rey is always a good one to watch, he looks flashy and entertaining and it’s good to see that he’s getting back into his groove after being gone so long. He does seem to be getting rid of some of the ring rust. Sin Cara is also very fun to watch, he’s exciting and flashy, and it’s good to see him in some of these big matches. On the other hand, I don’t think this was Cody Rhodes’ best match, he was a more forgettable part of it than some of the others, but he was still a big part of it, harrying the others and making people work for it.
Cewsh: Michael kind of says it all here, as this is a fun and fancy free opening match that Sin Cara steals from start to finish. It’s been a long, rough road for Cara in WWE thus far, dealing with everything from conflicting styles, to Wellness issues (which he maintains were a misunderstanding,) to unexpected injuries. But in Rey Mysterio he truly has found the anchor that is quickly turning him into a special member of the roster. While he may not be ready for extended singles matches on his own just yet, he is completely on point whenever he shares a ring with the man he based his entire career on, and the difference is stunning.
But this isn’t just the Sin Cara show. All four of these guys do a terrific job of keeping things moving along in a fast paced and exciting way, and hold the crowd all the way through to the end. Speaking of which, the end sees Sin Cara slipping a mask over Miz’s eyes, which backfires when Miz hits Cody Rhodes with the Skull Crushing Finale and wins the match not even knowing who he beat, which is one of the funner endings I’ve seen in recent times.
With this match, all four of these guys look terrific and this show is off to a great start. Which of course means…
76 out of 100
Cewsh: …that now it’s time to go backstage, where the Primetime Players are talking and dancing. If this seems suspiciously like something that would never actually be the focus of a backstage segment on a PPV, that’s because it isn’t.
Because Eve, who was interviewing them, is suddenly informed that something has happened. As it turns out SOMEONE has jumped Kaitlyn in the hallway and injured her, so she wont be able to compete in her Divas title match tonight. So the number one contender to the Divas title, (who beat Eve to get the shot,) who is set to face Layla, (who Eve is feuding with,) is set upon by a mysterious assailant immediately after which Eve was one room away doing interviews even though that totally isn’t her job, with a tag team that never gets interview time.
So with all of that evidence in mind, I’m fairly confident that the mystery attacker is going to turn out to be Alicia Fox. Craftiness is right there in her name. She obviously orchestrated this master plan to get herself the Divas title!
Fey: Because Diva title shots are so hard to get nowadays.
Cewsh: Hmm, good point.
MichaelC: In this entire scene, the best actor is the guy who looks like Howard Finkel playing a security guard.
MichaelC: In the beginning, there was one word, and that one word was…
For that pretty much sums up Daniel Bryan’s WrestleMania. Orlando Jordan’s Summerslam debut lasted longer.
Bryan responded to this unfortunate turn of events by dumping his girlfriend AJ. Who responded to this by appearing to go crazy, all the while using every main eventer she came across to further her own ends. When she was playing Bryan and the WWE Champion CM Punk against each other, they both wound up facing off against Kane, who took rather a dim view on proceedings. A series of misunderstandings and frankly pretty awesome matches took place, before Mr Punk got involved with Mr. Cena and swiftly took his title out of the picture. However, Mr Kane and Mr Bryan were full of hatred for each other (thanks in no small part of the machinations of Ms Lee and Mr Punk) and so continued to beat on each other up and down the country. Not even a Summerslam match could settle the score.
So finally AJ, in her role as General Manager of RAW, decided to send both Kane and Daniel Bryan to anger management classes. Which produced some funny vignettes, and showed that both men had interesting comedic timing with each other.
The moment where the two of them let the poor other guy fall to the ground in the trust exercise still makes me chuckle, and its been repeated ad nauseum.
On the other hand, Kofi Kingston and his tag team championship partner of this year, R-Truth, were a bit stale as champions.
I think we know what this called for…
Cewsh: I agree. It’s obvious what we need.
MichaelC: …no. I meant a title change.
Kane really is Teflon Isaac. 18 years Glen Jacobs has been in the WWF. He’s survived being the Fake Diesel and an evil dentist. He’s taken a short term Undertaker foe gimmick, and made it last 16 years. Things that’d murder anyone else’s career, he’s soldiered past. Katie Vick? Unmasking? Rug pulled out of a push yearly? A kayfabe career more schizophrenic than Norman Bates, one minute comedy, the next embracing the hate? Yet Kane keeps going. He even survived a three month feud with Shane McMahon. He even turned down at least one World title reign, and has put over every up and comer from Test to Drew McIntyre. And even then, it just takes one show to have him come across as a threat to the general audience once more. He’s completely bomb proof. He’s also been in many great matches over those years and has had one of his better runs in years since this whole Daniel Bryan thing started.
What I’m trying to say is, Kane has a bloody good argument at being included on any list of the most successful big men of all time, and we as an audience spend too much time focusing on what he isn’t(IE Undertaker class) and not enough time on what we’ve been able to enjoy, while we can. Kane is mostly awesome. And I feel pretty secure in saying that.
Bryan and Kane pretty much dominate the Non Air Boom, yet every time they get too much in control they miss-communicate and start fighting.
And before I know it, the match is over, and we have new tag champions.
PS – Am I the only one who thinks Kane and Bryan should get Steve Austin as their manager? Then they could be Team OH HELL NO!
Cewsh: That would be the first time that Stone Cold Steve Austin and Mama Benjamin would realistically have the same team name.
MichaelC: PPS – If you’d told me five years ago that in 2012 one of the most over men in the WWE would be Bryan Danielson, I’d have laughed in your face. Amazing.
Cewsh: I’m going to be honest with you here. I don’t think much of Team Hell No’s tag matches. It’s not that they’re bad, as such, and I’m fully enamored with their antics outside of the ring. But while they have phenomenal chemistry as characters, and even flash some in the ring, Kane and Daniel Bryan aren’t natural tag team wrestlers and it shows. So this match, like every match they have against anyone other than Rhodes Scholars, kind of falls flat and just makes you wish that they were doing a skit instead, (which is about the first time I’ve ever wanted THAT.)
Ultimately, they win the titles, as you’d expect, and Kofi Kingston and R-Truth slink off into the night until their next random push. Since they’re two of the 5 or 6 semi-over babyfaces on the entire roster, this doesn’t exactly hurt them any, though it’s a shame to see the end of Kofi’s run of great tag team wrestling over the past year. He improved by dramatic leaps and bounds during that span, and hopefully he can take advantage of that.
Now bring on the inevitable tag title feud against Harold and Dr. Shelby.
68 out of 100
MichaelC: Eve is backstage, tells Booker T that Kaitlyn can’t compete. Suddenly Eve winds up in the title match instead. Doesn’t sound fishy to me at all. What about you, Detective Cewsh?
Cewsh: Well Eve says it wasn’t her who attacked Kaitlyn, and is immediately awarded Kaitlyn’s title shot. I’m not sure what game Alicia Fox is playing here, but it sure is twisty.
Cewsh: The challenger for Antonio Cesaro’s United States Championship was determined in a battle royal prior to the beginning of the show. Zack Ryder beat out all kinds of incredible performers like the guy who wears a sock on his hand who isn’t even the person most famous for doing that, or member of failed tag team number 2. So now we get what will, in all likelihood, prove to be Zack Ryder’s final pay per view singles match. And to his credit, it really is pretty good. At this point it seems like Antonio Cesaro could have a good match with a dump truck, and deadlift it just as easily, and Ryder is capable of being pulled up to good things when he’s given a chance to work with the best.
Cesaro wins, which was never in doubt, and continues his storyline of being unbeatable against Americans in singles match, and his future is so obviously bright that even shades won’t do you much good. Maybe one day Zack Ryder will be able to look back on this match and say that he got to wrestle Cesaro on pay per view to impress his kids. Hopefully I’ll stop having his theme song stuck in my head by then.
75 out of 100
MichaelC: Cesaro does not suck. He comes out with Aksana who I had already forgotten all about. To be fair, her role was entirely unnecessary to the whole Antonio Cesaro character, and besides, there’s no such language as SWITZ, you Switz!!!
Hands up, who thinks Ryder is getting a second US title reign…ever?
Cesaro wins. Ryder goes on everyone’s 2013 WWE deadpools.
Cewsh: There’s an idea for Ryder. Just start dressing up and acting like Deadpool. It’s worth a try!
Fey: I don’t know how Cesaro didn’t just knock Zack Ryder completely out. Seriously. Cesaro is another person who consistently looks good . I’ve really been impressed with what I’ve seen of him.
Cewsh: I want that to be a sitcom immediately. IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway, Otunga and Del Rio are backstage yelling at Ricardo for one thing or another. It doesn’t really matter exactly what they were talking about. What matters is that having David Otunga around to be the legal version of the APA is my favorite thing in wrestling. And having the richest member of the roster hiring him is so logical that it blows my mind. Even if his advice isn’t overly helpful.
MichaelC: Up and comer takes on Orton. Gets RKO’d. Loses. Mr. and Mrs. Cewsh sigh lustfully at the screen at young Randy’s mastery of the mat.
Rinse and repeat.
Cewsh: Mmm, I wouldn’t mind seeing him rinse and repeat. Mmm…huh what where am I? OH. Right.
Oh right, yes. Match. Yes. It was good.
77 out of 100
Fey: Both these guys are great wrestlers but neither of them seem to be into this. I love seeing Orton just magically pull a drop kick out of thin air, though. There just seems to be something missing here, some little magic that makes it mean something. The crowd isn’t behind it either. Vicky, though, Vicky is effing into it. She’s out there screaming her head off. It’s really funny to watch her just start screaming – no words, just shrieking. Vicky really is what any heel manager should try to be like. She’s so great, she’s awful.
Despite lacking some heart, this match ended in one of the best RKOs I’ve seen. At least, one of the more entertaining ones. Ally-oop.
Cewsh: The story behind this match, as has been continued throughout the show, is that Eve has been trying hard to erase the “mean girl” image that she accrued while bossing everyone around as John Laurenitus’ assistant. And while most people have forgiven her and moved on, Layla has remained intensely skeptical. So when Kaitlyn, the woman who was supposed to get a title shot tonight, was mysteriously injured, people were suspicious of Eve. When Eve suddenly got Kaitlyn’s title shot, people were DAMN suspicious of Eve. And by the time Eve was in the ring against Layla and was bullying her around with jujitsu inspired matwork and holds, it was just too damn late to do anything about it.
One spinning neckbreaker later, and we have ourselves a new Divas champion. But was this her design all along or did she orchestrate the downfall of her rival Layla herself? By gawd, tune in tomorrow night on Raw!
As a match, this functions just fine, because it’s really only intended to get across that Eve is way more dangerous than we thought, and to put the title on the only woman in the company who can both work a match and cut a promo. It isn’t special, and the reign of Layla, (which never should have happened to begin with if we’re being reasonable,) ends with a wet “plop”, but it could be the springboard for bigger and brighter things for the division. Maybe. Possibly. Not.
68 out of 100
Fey: I’m really disappointed in the Diva’s division. I feel like if these girls were anywhere else, it wouldn’t fly, and if these girls were guys, it wouldn’t fly. Eve can be called decent at best, and Layla can be called competent at best. Neither can be called great, amazing, or even really good. And yet, they are the best of the Diva’s division? I feel really disappointed that this is what the division has been relegated to. We think of a match between two “decent” wrestlers as a pretty good women’s match. But why? Just because this is what WWE is giving us right now doesn’t mean we have to just accept that this is what women’s wrestling should be. Have you noticed that none of the women have last names? It’s almost as if they aren’t important enough to have them or for those names to be remembered. They don’t have characters, almost none of them get any kind of development, and they don’t even get to wrestle very often.
I just find myself disappointed that this is what we have to look forward to as WWE and women’s wrestling fans.
Okay, I’m done ranting now. Back to the review.
MichaelC: I like Layla. I do not like Eve. This match went rather badly for me.