August 9, 2019 | News | No Comments
Welcome to LaGuardia. We hope you had a safe and comfortable flight! You may have noticed that the airport is currently under construction. We’re working around the clock to bring you a brand-new, twenty-first-century LaGuardia, filled with modern amenities, exciting shopping and dining options, and absolutely zero psychotic motorcycle gangs tearing through the terminals on rusty scrap-yard choppers decorated with human bones.
We’re building a new, non-apocalyptic LaGuardia Airport—and you’re invited!
For many years, LaGuardia has been known for its cramped terminals, dated facilities, and roving bands of leather-clad, drug-addled super mutants setting innocent travellers on fire. Well, those days are over! We’re building the airport of tomorrow, with your comfort and safety in mind, featuring more seating at the gates, more charging stations for your electronic devices, and fewer flaming car wrecks scattered throughout our terminals.
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The new LaGuardia was conceived using human-centric design principles, to create a more pleasant travel experience. We contracted award-winning Scandinavian architects to create an innovative steel-and-glass structure with retractable skylights, bathing all of our terminals in natural light. We also contracted a ragtag crew of international mercenaries, known as the Immortal Ones, to take back our runways from the evil mutant leader Lord Sludge, who has taken up residence in our air-traffic-control tower. At the new LaGuardia, our runways are for airplanes to take off and land, not for hordes of violent super mutants to gather and worship our radar dish as a god!
But enough about our long-standing skirmishes with an anarchy-loving demagogue—we can’t wait to tell you about our dining options. At the new LaGuardia, you’ll discover a world of choices for relaxing and enjoying a meal, from grab-and-go staples to sit-down bars and restaurants. And they all take modern forms of payment, like credit cards and Apple Pay. That’s right—the days of bartering gallons of precious diesel fuel or wheelbarrows full of scrap metal in exchange for bags of irradiated rat meat are finally over!
We’re also doing away with those long security lines. The new LaGuardia will feature “smart” lanes to eliminate the excessive wait times that have plagued our terminals for so long. We’re also working to eliminate the actual plague that has turned so many of our friends and loved ones into horrible, radar-worshipping super mutants.
But, although we’re excited about the future, we don’t want to forget our past. That’s why we’ve commissioned a mural commemorating the Great Battle of Terminal D, which gave rise to the toxic super mutants we know and loathe today. And, of course, our makeshift monument to the fall of mankind, Our Lady of the Eternal Trash Fire, will continue to burn in perpetuity.
Now, these changes won’t happen overnight, and there are bound to be some growing pains. You might notice construction sounds here and there, not to mention the distant, tortured screams of the damned, as their internal organs are harvested and turned into Pump, the highly addictive drug of choice among super mutants, made from rendered human adrenal glands. But we prefer to think of that as the sound of progress.
Thank you for visiting LaGuardia. We hope you’ll pardon our dust, and, Lord Sludge willing, we hope to complete our construction by late 2020.